Wednesday, June 4, 2014

When life gives you lemons...

The past few months have been ROUGH, to say the very least but even through the tough times there have been tremendous blessings and I always feel the need to write it down so I do not forget. I'm one of those people who loves to look back at past experiences and learn from them and remember what I felt in that instant. {Side note: Now I completely realize things could be a trillion times worse and I am extremely blessed and I do not want to make this the whiniest post ever because that's not what it's about but yes it might sound a little whiny for a sec, hang in there.}

So yes the past few months have been hard... Not like my marriage is failing, I hate my life kind of hard, but more like a every single potential problem and stone has been thrown our direction kind of hard. To be honest I've really struggled. I like to think I am a pretty spiritual person but in moment like this I feel like I am smacked upside the head and shown every single one of my weaknesses. Life can be so cruel. This time around instead of looking at this as a life lesson, I've found myself pretty angry. Angry with myself, angry with the situation, angry with god. It just all seemed so unfair. I just kept looking at our situation and thinking there is just no good outcome, there is just no way we will overcome this. We are doomed.

 Now, in our almost 3 years of marriage anytime I have felt this way it has ALWAYS worked out. Stewart has always said to me, I promise it will be fine, and it would make me incredibly mad because I would think there is just no way, there is no logically reasoning for how this can possibly work out. For example, one month at the beginning of our marriage we were super tight on money, we had a big bill coming up and I just knew we did not have the money to pay it until payday which was only a few days after it was due, Stewart says, it will all work out fine, he never stresses about much. I am not even joking the day the bill was due we got an email saying the due date was postponed due to technical issues with their website. Things like this have ALWAYS happened to us, we have always been extremely blessed. Not for the faith of me, but because of my husband, because every single time he's said it, it has come true. These past few months I feel like all those lucky times in our marriage have come back and nipped us in the butt. But every time I hung up the phone in tears because more bad things were happening, I always got the urge to kneel and pray for comfort and peace.

One of the only things that has helped has been going to the temple. I will never forget a few weeks ago when Stewart and I went. We were both looking for answers to the same questions. My poor husband who never really lets anything affect him was literally a complete mess, just like me. A rare and heartbreaking thing to see. At a specific moment during this session I had gotten an overwhelming sense of peace and comfort that my prayers were heard and not only heard but answered, I once again felt the comfort of my heavenly father wrap his arms around me and make everything alright. I couldn't help but be brought to tears. The feeling was all too familiar. I had similar experiences after my brother died and here it was again when I needed it most. He has never left my side when I needed it most! When we got to the end, in the Celestial room, Stewart instantly told me about a moment where he felt instant peace and comfort that our prayers were answered, he said it brought tears to his eyes. Literally, in the exact same moment without either of us knowing what the other experienced, our prayers were answered. I will never forget the love I felt for my sweet husband that day. I felt so close to him and I knew that no matter what that things were playing out the way they were for a reason.

The month that followed that moment was yet again a rough one, filled with almost the exact same difficulties. I do not know exactly what I am supposed to gain from all of this but I do know that there is something. I also know that as bad and awful things seem at the moment we will be able to look back and be grateful for our trials. The blessings might not come now, or even in this lifetime but I know they will come. As horribly exhausting and stressful this has all been I know I must need to be molded and shaped for what I am needed for. We NEED this trial because we NEED to grow. And looking back now even though our trial is far from over, we have grown. We have been blessed. The answers to our prayers might not be what we wanted in that exact instant, but I know that there is an answer waiting to be revealed. I'm grateful for trails and the heart ache that brings us down only to build us back up even higher. But I'm even more grateful for a savior who knows me better than I know myself and a husband who compensates for every single weakness I have.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Sticky Kisses

Okay so A LOT has happened lately but at the same time nothing super duper exciting, YET! But yesterday was B's half birthday (18 months! Can you believe it?) and I felt like it was time for an update.

I hate to be one of those braggy annoying moms who thinks their kid is the best think that has ever walked the earth but seriously I just love this kid so much. Her adorableness just kills me. Every little thing she does just makes my whole being filled with an unbelievable amount of happiness. Being a mom is amazing and I feel so blessed I get to be this little spirit's mama to let her fill my day with all the giggles and love a human being could possibly handle. Sometimes I feel like my heart is just going to burst! I cannot believe how quickly she is growing and learning. This girl is a tall skinny little thing (obviously gets that from daddy) and I always forget how tall she is until I see her around kids her age, she looks AND acts like a two year old, no joke. Like the other day I was hiding from her in her teepee, she runs up and says "Mummi I see you!" "Lets goooo!" and then she just kept repeating it until I came out and she drags me to the living room where her favorite show had just came on. Where does she get this stuff?! We really have to watch what we say around her because she repeats EVERYTHING. We don't curse but I try to watch my tone or snooty comments to Stewart because I kid you not she will repeat it days later. You never realize how mean you sound till you have a little parrot repeating your every word. I love hearing her voice though. My favorite word she says is Minnie, she say "Mim mee!", and of course when I put her down for bed and she says "mummi nigh nigh" "wuv you." as she waves bye to me. One thing I am super proud of as a mama is she is very polite and helpful. She's always saying thank you, your welcome, is willing to share anything and everything. Most kids don't like cleaning, mine loves it, dishes, sweeping, wiping up messes, she's always willing to help. She's also super girly. She loves her purse, my makeup, and shoes! Oh boy does she love shoes. She will lift her foot and show anyone who says anything about shoes, how cute her shoes are. She loves to play kitchen in her fake little kitchen she got for Christmas. She'll pretend to slurp things from a spoon and give you a taste and go "mmmm good!". She'll also pretend to put salt and pepper on whatever she's cooking. My favorite thing is when she sticks something in the oven or the microwave, she'll turn the lil knob and say "boop boop boop" as she pretends to press the buttons to start it. Seriously kills me every time! I love how I can teach her anything, her little mind is like a sponge and each day she's soaking up so much. It's amazing and a little scary. She's has such a happy loving personality, that's one of my favorite things about her about her.

Parenting is the most scary wonderful thing I've ever done in my life. You never know how much the things you do can impact someone else. But even though I'm not the world greatest cooker, sewer, teacher, DIYer, I can honestly say that I give motherhood 110%. It's something I take very seriously and try my very best at, which sometimes is not easy. I am far far from perfect. I've never been a fan of people who give an image of the unobtainable perfection everyone is always seeking, but I do try pretty dang hard. For me sometimes the low points are the points with the most growth. I'm pretty sure every mom has been hugged by their one year old because THEY are the ones sobbing uncontrollably and freaking their kid out. Some days are just plain hard but MOST days are beyond anything more than I could ever ask for. I have learned to just laugh when things get rough. This might be one of my faults as a parent though because I have a very hard time taking Brylee seriously when she's fake crying, or pouting on the floor, it's so cute, it's unbelievably funny. But I'm proud of the little memories we've created together and the relationship we've built. To say I'm addicted to her laugh, her voice, her smile, her hugs, is an understatement, I crave them, they are everything that makes being a parent so worth it.

Okay so enough about mommy lovey doveyness. How's our little family doing as a whole? Pretty much Stewart has been working like a mad man and I have been going to school. Last semester I thought I could handle the whole driving to Tempe everyday and going to class like a normal person thing, but much to my surprise it was just way to much with Brylee. First off, Stewart works in Tempe so there were days we literally would drive past each other on the freeway him going home, me going to school, me going home, and him driving to work. Who am I kidding it was pretty much everyday... At least once a week we would literally meet half way and trade Brylee. Lots and lots of gas, and all my classes were mornings and late afternoons so I drove to school during rush hour and drove home during rush hour, bleh, no fun! Secondly, my classes required me to spend a lot of time at school outside of classroom time, so it was difficult to have someone watch Brylee longer than anticipated or to try to squeeze five hours of work into three because that's all I had. I feel like ASU just assumes everyone lives on campus and can drop everything whenever they want for a class, which most people do and can, but not me! So these factors led me to switch to online. Yippee! I honestly like the classroom environment but the flexibility of online just works better for me. I feel like it's actually a lot more work, but because I can get it done when B takes a nap or goes to bed or when Stewart is home, overall it is just easier for me. So that's that. Stewart had some exciting opportunities come his way. I can't say anything yet because of course nothing is for sure for sure but we should hopefully have lots of good news soon. Prayers and good vibes our way are much appreciated! ;)

We are also in the process of looking to buy a house. FINALLY!!!! My father-in-law is a realtor and is so helpful and awesome, so we are excited and nervous to get that ball rolling. Anyone who knows me knows I just love love houses, looking at house, designing houses, anything to do with a house I'm all there, so I'm stoked to finally make a place our own. Stewart is really good at jumping on board with all my DIY  house ideas, so I can't wait to finally put it all into action. Also, bigger house, means hopefully more lil babies to add to our little fam bam! EXCITING! Although, I sort of dread being pregnant again. AND they say you forget what labor was like, I definitely have not forgotten. Not looking forward to that. But it is so so worth it. I would do it a gazillion times over to have our sweet Brylee. :)

That's all for now! Hopefully we will have more for you all soon!


Wednesday, February 5, 2014

B's Teepee!

Stewart got some much needed time off this week so we took advantage of the time to do something we have been wanting to do for months... WE BUILT A TEEPEE! And I must say I think I am more in love with this thing than Brylee is. It is just SO stinkin cute! We just kinda winged it as far as putting it together goes. I had looked up a lot of "teepee building" blogs and took a little bit from everything, I did however take the design (the pink and gold decorations) from this blog I just loved them way too much to change anything. We used 6 ft PVC instead of 5 ft, and we did NOT follow the other blog that is linked in her blog on how to cut the duck cloth. The blog had lots of comments on how it just plain didn't work out, so I was reluctant. Probably my favorite thing about this lil teepee is that it cost around $50 to make. I've seen them for $100 plus ($100 was the cheapest I could find) and they weren't even half as cute. Plus then you can really customize it. I like this one because it matches B's room! When we were done we took our teepee to the park and took some pics. Always fun! Some of these just kill me! She's so funny!

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The thirty first of January two-thousand eleven.

So January 31st marks Stewart and I's 3 years of being together togetherish. So I thought it would be fun to throw it back to when we first went out. I love to journal and blog because it helps me remember all the little details but I must admit I am terrible, okay horrible at it. There is just never enough time in the day. But it is something I want to try to keep up with so here's my first good attempt at the blog part of it because honestly it's been awhile.

Back to our lil love story. So a few weeks before this magical lil "date".  Stewart had heard me give a talk at church. (I still have a copy of the talk I gave!) Stewart swears that this was the first time he noticed me and said I'm going to marry that girl. That enough cheese for you?! hahaha On January 31st, a Monday, we had both volunteered to clean our lovely church building. Flirting, flirting, flirting, eventually ended up to us deciding to go get some chick-fil-a together. After that I didn't heard from him until Sunday! (he has never been a big caller/texter) I was sitting in Sunday school, and he came and sat next to me, he said I want to take you on a date, we can go whenever you want. So after I told him when I could go, he got up and left. This was one of the first things that really impressed me! First, he actually said the word "date" and second he asked in person. I have had plenty of boyfriends but I can name on one hand the amount of boys that have done those two things. Its usually "hanging out" or asked through text, SO LAME! Seriously boys step up your game, it obviously works! Anyways, I was super impressed.

One lil problem though. I did NOT want to date ANYONE seriously AT. ALL. After getting out of a two year long relationship, and trying to jump back into the dating scene it did not take me long to swear off any committed relationships. I wanted to take the time to figure out me and date lots of guys, not just one. I'm not trying to sound super wild or anything but returned missionaries are very serious from day one and this seriously freaked me out. How the heck are you supposed to know you love someone enough to marry them that fast?! SO basically I was that damaged girl who was afraid of any type of commitment. Great catch right?

So the next week we went on our first real date. He took me to dinner and then we went to As You Wish. On our date I noticed he drove only surface streets (when there were freeways) and went to locations far away (when there were locations for everywhere we went closer to where we lived). I called him out on it and he said he just wanted to spend more time with me. This guy was good! We ended our date at sonic. He was staring at me kinda awkwardly and so I asked him what he was thinking about, and he said "kissing you", before I could even respond, I think I was in the middle of "whaaaa", he kissed me. And although the kiss was perfect, I then proceeded to break his heart and tell him how I could not possibly date him because I was not ready for a serious relationship and I didn't know when I would be ready. I felt awful. But I didn't know what else to do.

We went on a couple dates after that. Me always assuring him it wasn't anything serious. Honestly, I was completely torn. Here was this perfect guy, who would love me more than I could ever ask for, who was worthy, and patient, and everything a girl could want, BUT I just couldn't let go of my selfish desire to just be single, to swear of commitment, this fun new life of dating, and having lots of friends was fun. I had been committed before and it just never worked out and in the end the heartbreak was substantial enough to made me wish it had never happened. I was still picking up the pieces and I didn't want to go through that again, I wasn't ready for that risk. Honestly, I was kinda a brat and he was so patient. I didn't want to lead him on, but thinking back to it I totally did. But Stewart never forced me into anything. He was just always there. He wasn't completely done with me when I had pretty much rejected him, he just waited. He didn't run to the next girl. He didn't get mad. He understood and he was patient. This impressed me even more, but also broke my heart more because I just wasn't able to be that girl for him.

On fast Sunday, a couple weeks later, I met with Bishop C. His advice was always genuine and he was never afraid to tell me what I needed to hear even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. He had talked with Stewart before this, he had saw the tears (Yes, the boy who never cries, cried! Again, can count the times on one hand, sorry babe!) and had known his side of it all before he even spoke with me. I cried too and told him everything I had been feeling. He basically told me that there were many many girls who would be happy to be in the position I was in. He said that whatever girl did marry Stewart would be happy for the rest of her life, she would never wake up and wonder where his heart was, or if he was going to take care of her. He basically made me feel like the most selfish person in the whole world. Here I was feeling completely sorry for myself, when I had absolutely nothing to complain about. Which strangely enough is EXACTLY what I needed. I left that meeting knowing exactly what I needed to do. He didn't tell me Stewart was "the one" or that I was indeed selfish, but he just lifted whatever daze I was in and made it all so clear. Stewart and I were together from that moment on. It will forever be the best decision I ever made. I will forever be grateful for the things Bishop taught me that night and the things he taught Stewart and I about love and marriage after that point.

Love is hardly a smooth road, and sometimes it's the bumpy road that takes us to our happy ending. That is how we learn, and grow. Relationships take work. Our marriage has been anything but easy, but through the past 3 years I have gained so much from Stewart. He makes up for what I lack in. He loves me unconditionally. I'm so so glad he was so patient with me and loved me regardless of if I was able to show him that love back. He just always knew. I've said it once before and I'll say it again, I am so grateful for a father in heaven that knows me better than I know myself.

I love my husband!