Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The thirty first of January two-thousand eleven.

So January 31st marks Stewart and I's 3 years of being together togetherish. So I thought it would be fun to throw it back to when we first went out. I love to journal and blog because it helps me remember all the little details but I must admit I am terrible, okay horrible at it. There is just never enough time in the day. But it is something I want to try to keep up with so here's my first good attempt at the blog part of it because honestly it's been awhile.

Back to our lil love story. So a few weeks before this magical lil "date".  Stewart had heard me give a talk at church. (I still have a copy of the talk I gave!) Stewart swears that this was the first time he noticed me and said I'm going to marry that girl. That enough cheese for you?! hahaha On January 31st, a Monday, we had both volunteered to clean our lovely church building. Flirting, flirting, flirting, eventually ended up to us deciding to go get some chick-fil-a together. After that I didn't heard from him until Sunday! (he has never been a big caller/texter) I was sitting in Sunday school, and he came and sat next to me, he said I want to take you on a date, we can go whenever you want. So after I told him when I could go, he got up and left. This was one of the first things that really impressed me! First, he actually said the word "date" and second he asked in person. I have had plenty of boyfriends but I can name on one hand the amount of boys that have done those two things. Its usually "hanging out" or asked through text, SO LAME! Seriously boys step up your game, it obviously works! Anyways, I was super impressed.

One lil problem though. I did NOT want to date ANYONE seriously AT. ALL. After getting out of a two year long relationship, and trying to jump back into the dating scene it did not take me long to swear off any committed relationships. I wanted to take the time to figure out me and date lots of guys, not just one. I'm not trying to sound super wild or anything but returned missionaries are very serious from day one and this seriously freaked me out. How the heck are you supposed to know you love someone enough to marry them that fast?! SO basically I was that damaged girl who was afraid of any type of commitment. Great catch right?

So the next week we went on our first real date. He took me to dinner and then we went to As You Wish. On our date I noticed he drove only surface streets (when there were freeways) and went to locations far away (when there were locations for everywhere we went closer to where we lived). I called him out on it and he said he just wanted to spend more time with me. This guy was good! We ended our date at sonic. He was staring at me kinda awkwardly and so I asked him what he was thinking about, and he said "kissing you", before I could even respond, I think I was in the middle of "whaaaa", he kissed me. And although the kiss was perfect, I then proceeded to break his heart and tell him how I could not possibly date him because I was not ready for a serious relationship and I didn't know when I would be ready. I felt awful. But I didn't know what else to do.

We went on a couple dates after that. Me always assuring him it wasn't anything serious. Honestly, I was completely torn. Here was this perfect guy, who would love me more than I could ever ask for, who was worthy, and patient, and everything a girl could want, BUT I just couldn't let go of my selfish desire to just be single, to swear of commitment, this fun new life of dating, and having lots of friends was fun. I had been committed before and it just never worked out and in the end the heartbreak was substantial enough to made me wish it had never happened. I was still picking up the pieces and I didn't want to go through that again, I wasn't ready for that risk. Honestly, I was kinda a brat and he was so patient. I didn't want to lead him on, but thinking back to it I totally did. But Stewart never forced me into anything. He was just always there. He wasn't completely done with me when I had pretty much rejected him, he just waited. He didn't run to the next girl. He didn't get mad. He understood and he was patient. This impressed me even more, but also broke my heart more because I just wasn't able to be that girl for him.

On fast Sunday, a couple weeks later, I met with Bishop C. His advice was always genuine and he was never afraid to tell me what I needed to hear even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. He had talked with Stewart before this, he had saw the tears (Yes, the boy who never cries, cried! Again, can count the times on one hand, sorry babe!) and had known his side of it all before he even spoke with me. I cried too and told him everything I had been feeling. He basically told me that there were many many girls who would be happy to be in the position I was in. He said that whatever girl did marry Stewart would be happy for the rest of her life, she would never wake up and wonder where his heart was, or if he was going to take care of her. He basically made me feel like the most selfish person in the whole world. Here I was feeling completely sorry for myself, when I had absolutely nothing to complain about. Which strangely enough is EXACTLY what I needed. I left that meeting knowing exactly what I needed to do. He didn't tell me Stewart was "the one" or that I was indeed selfish, but he just lifted whatever daze I was in and made it all so clear. Stewart and I were together from that moment on. It will forever be the best decision I ever made. I will forever be grateful for the things Bishop taught me that night and the things he taught Stewart and I about love and marriage after that point.

Love is hardly a smooth road, and sometimes it's the bumpy road that takes us to our happy ending. That is how we learn, and grow. Relationships take work. Our marriage has been anything but easy, but through the past 3 years I have gained so much from Stewart. He makes up for what I lack in. He loves me unconditionally. I'm so so glad he was so patient with me and loved me regardless of if I was able to show him that love back. He just always knew. I've said it once before and I'll say it again, I am so grateful for a father in heaven that knows me better than I know myself.

I love my husband!

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