When life gives you lemons...

The past few months have been ROUGH, to say the very least but even through the tough times there have been tremendous blessings and I always feel the need to write it down so I do not forget. I'm one of those people who loves to look back at past experiences and learn from them and remember what I felt in that instant. {Side note: Now I completely realize things could be a trillion times worse and I am extremely blessed and I do not want to make this the whiniest post ever because that's not what it's about but yes it might sound a little whiny for a sec, hang in there.}

So yes the past few months have been hard... Not like my marriage is failing, I hate my life kind of hard, but more like a every single potential problem and stone has been thrown our direction kind of hard. To be honest I've really struggled. I like to think I am a pretty spiritual person but in moment like this I feel like I am smacked upside the head and shown every single one of my weaknesses. Life can be so cruel. This time around instead of looking at this as a life lesson, I've found myself pretty angry. Angry with myself, angry with the situation, angry with god. It just all seemed so unfair. I just kept looking at our situation and thinking there is just no good outcome, there is just no way we will overcome this. We are doomed.

 Now, in our almost 3 years of marriage anytime I have felt this way it has ALWAYS worked out. Stewart has always said to me, I promise it will be fine, and it would make me incredibly mad because I would think there is just no way, there is no logically reasoning for how this can possibly work out. For example, one month at the beginning of our marriage we were super tight on money, we had a big bill coming up and I just knew we did not have the money to pay it until payday which was only a few days after it was due, Stewart says, it will all work out fine, he never stresses about much. I am not even joking the day the bill was due we got an email saying the due date was postponed due to technical issues with their website. Things like this have ALWAYS happened to us, we have always been extremely blessed. Not for the faith of me, but because of my husband, because every single time he's said it, it has come true. These past few months I feel like all those lucky times in our marriage have come back and nipped us in the butt. But every time I hung up the phone in tears because more bad things were happening, I always got the urge to kneel and pray for comfort and peace.

One of the only things that has helped has been going to the temple. I will never forget a few weeks ago when Stewart and I went. We were both looking for answers to the same questions. My poor husband who never really lets anything affect him was literally a complete mess, just like me. A rare and heartbreaking thing to see. At a specific moment during this session I had gotten an overwhelming sense of peace and comfort that my prayers were heard and not only heard but answered, I once again felt the comfort of my heavenly father wrap his arms around me and make everything alright. I couldn't help but be brought to tears. The feeling was all too familiar. I had similar experiences after my brother died and here it was again when I needed it most. He has never left my side when I needed it most! When we got to the end, in the Celestial room, Stewart instantly told me about a moment where he felt instant peace and comfort that our prayers were answered, he said it brought tears to his eyes. Literally, in the exact same moment without either of us knowing what the other experienced, our prayers were answered. I will never forget the love I felt for my sweet husband that day. I felt so close to him and I knew that no matter what that things were playing out the way they were for a reason.

The month that followed that moment was yet again a rough one, filled with almost the exact same difficulties. I do not know exactly what I am supposed to gain from all of this but I do know that there is something. I also know that as bad and awful things seem at the moment we will be able to look back and be grateful for our trials. The blessings might not come now, or even in this lifetime but I know they will come. As horribly exhausting and stressful this has all been I know I must need to be molded and shaped for what I am needed for. We NEED this trial because we NEED to grow. And looking back now even though our trial is far from over, we have grown. We have been blessed. The answers to our prayers might not be what we wanted in that exact instant, but I know that there is an answer waiting to be revealed. I'm grateful for trails and the heart ache that brings us down only to build us back up even higher. But I'm even more grateful for a savior who knows me better than I know myself and a husband who compensates for every single weakness I have.